Some Day......

When you are dealing with infertility, no matter how many wonderful people and things are in your life, colors don't seem as bright, sounds seem slightly muffled, even the morning sun can seem sad. As you shove your way through the mounds of feelings that come with the contract of infertility, at some point, it is inevitable that you will feel like giving up. There will be days when you are determined to reach your goals, whatever they may be, and have the baby you have been dreaming of since what feels like the beginning of time. There are days when you become obsessed with having a baby and that is all you can think about. There are also days when you reason with yourself and accept that your body is defective, it's not going to happen and you just have to move on. Today is one of the days when half of me thinks it won't ever happen and the other half of me won't let myself give up. Today feels like one of those days when the $8000.00 we need to save for the surgery might as well be $80,000,000. I have been blessed with a hand full of friends who do their very best to bring me out of my 'funk'. Sometimes, they have to grab me by the shoulders, shake me, slap me a good one, metaphorically of course, and say, "Hey!! You DESERVE this! You are going to be a great Mommy! It WILL happen! Don't give up!". Naturally, these are the best of my friends and I would be lost without them! They listen as I explain, with a sort of whine in my voice and a knot in my throat that is forcing the tears back down, that I'm getting older by the minute and that being told I was entering Menopause in my early twenties is forever burned into my brain. It's burned like an oven rack that you accidentally get your arm too close to while taking cookies out of the oven. When my period is late, my brain plays cruel games with me. It allows me to think this could be 'THE month', then it sharply, rudely reminds me that even if it is, due to my one working fallopian tube, the egg will be damaged and result in another baby I will have to lay to eternal rest long before a person should ever die or a Mom should have to bury her baby. The natural order of things is that my children will bury me, long after I've watched them graduate high school, then college. Long after I cry tears of joy at their wedding and the birth of my Grandbabies. Long after I have held my Grandchildren and, if I'm REALLY lucky, my Great-Grandchildren. Of course, my children would be sad but they could say that I lived a very full life surrounded by the people I loved most. Though my heart aches like it has been ripped out, stomped on and set ablaze. Through tears that sting my cheeks and soak my pillow often fall late into the night as I miss my babies and long for the day I can hold them again, I will continue to fight. I will continue to pray. I WILL keep hope and keep sharing our links every day until we reach our surgical fund goal. I will have to be patient, I'll have to be calm but we WILL get there. Yes!! Some day you will see pictures of some of the cutest babies you have EVER seen! We will be holding them and able to call them our own. We will post pictures of silly faces, us playing in a home seemingly made of toys, bubbly baths with colored rubber duckies and soft, pastel-colored onesies and outfits. Some day we will hold our crying little munchkins and there won't be a more beautiful sound in the world than that of our babies voices. Some day, our dreams will come true. Some day.....