Wednesday, December 11, 2013

December 20, 2013 is a BIG Day for Praying for Baby Cantrell!

Hi friends! As many of you know, we have been trying to earn and save for the funds for the surgery we need to have a healthy baby (almost $8,000) for over a year. We've saved, penny pinched, created Knotty Wicks Candle & Soap Co., I took to paid blogging, selling Jewelry In Candles name it, we tried it. Well.....a lot of our hard work has finally begun to pay off. We have an account on the Hero Network.
The Hero Network has graciously offered to provide us with a Text to Donate day to help us raise funds for Baby Cantrell! to participate..Simply text 'WISH' to 80077 on December 20th. Donations are $5, completed from a mobile device. Please ensure you reply 'YES' for your donation to count. The rules are simple and everyone can attend so PLEASE SHARE this event and please invite everyone you know! :) We have ONE day to raise as much as we can so please help us make this go viral! This is a public event, has been shared on multiple news outlets, social media pages and shared via text. PLEASE SHARE AND REPOST THE INFORMATION WITH THE LINK BELOW! Even if you cannot donate, we welcome you to join us in support. Thank you all so much for your support and sharing this event to help us reach our goal! ;)
You can also view our Hero Network account, our activity and ways we have granted others wishes here: *******We have been advised by event coordinators with the Hero Network to share our event link and get the word out as much as possible before our ONE DAY TEXT TO DONATE Event for Baby Cantrell! We have created a Facebook event where everyone can join together for updates, links, even verbiage for posts. ;) Please visit us and join the event at this link:
Image Source:
DETAILS AND RULES of Text to Donate: "$5.00 donation to Wish Upon A Hero. Charges will appear on your wireless bill, or be deducted from your prepaid balance. All purchases must be authorized by account holder. YOU MUST TEXT 'YES' for your donation to be officially accepted for Baby Cantrell's fundraiser. Must be 18 years of age or have parental permission to participate. Message and Data Rates May Apply. Text STOP to 80077 to STOP. Text HELP to 80077 for HELP. Full Terms: Privacy Policy"

Monday, December 9, 2013

The Minimum Wage Increase Debate in the U.S.

Hi all! A subject of hot debate right now is the potential to increase The United States Minimum Wage. The President has decided to support a bill to increase the minimum wage here to $10.10 USD per hour from $7.25 USD per hour.
Naturally, a LOT of U.S. citizens, and even those who aren't, have a lot to say about it. Many argue that if we raise the minimum wage, prices for everything will increase. The most heated argument in recent years is over the issue of this potential wage increase. Of course, those with the most to say are the people who make well above the minimum wage and still want to hoard their millions instead of paying for cost of living increases. Some fast food workers have also gone on strike in an effort to have their wages raised to $15 USD per hour. Additionally, a meme (photo) of military workers, gun in hand in a battle zone with the quote by Sarah Palin claiming that our Military makes LESS than minimum wage and people expect to make $15 USD per hour for 'flipping a burger'. Following is my personal opinion on the situation.
IMAGE Source:
For those who are whining and complaining about raising the minimum wage, you need a reality check. Have YOU tried to support a family on minimum wage? Minimum wage at PART TIME because companies can't 'afford' to offer insurance for full time employees due to Obamacare? I know, your next argument will be that the ones who want a raise should go to college and get better jobs. Let me tell you that I have a college education, a good amount still yet to pay in student loans and am not working in my field. Not even close to my field because there are no openings after having to leave my last position because services were transferred to another county to cut costs. I have friends who live in Canada who are nothing short of astonished at the way the U.S. treats their citizens. In fact, one of my Canadian friends said, "It's really sad. It's almost like the U.S. wants their citizens broke, sick and homeless." I'm not saying pay $15 an hour but a reasonable increase is way past due. I think $10 per hour is reasonable. Do you realize that while the cost of living has increased at a dramatic and consistent rate, minimum wage has increased by pennies on the dollar during all that time? Increasing the minimum wage would also cut down on welfare dependency, thereby decreasing the funds spent on it. Those funds could help with other things this country desperately a decent, EFFECTIVE health care system. There is a serious problem when the CEO's of some companies, including a local one here, make over a half million dollars a year PLUS stock options and 'bonuses' so he/she can golf, ski and take vacations; while their employees are struggling to keep food on the table. Many companies don't even offer *small* Christmas bonuses, not necessarily monetary in nature, to the employees who bust hump all year long to keep the CEO's in their million dollar homes and vacations. It's ridiculous. Yes...I saw the post from Sarah Palin about Soldiers making less than minimum wage. What PLANET is that on?? I can tell you, for a fact, as a spouse of a Navy Veteran, it's not this country at least. Stop whining about increasing the minimum wage and do what's right so EVERY family can thrive, not just the ones deemed important by others with their own interests at heart.
IMAGE Source:
~~~~~~As you can see, I'm less than pleased with the current wage here in the U.S. and the debate about whether to raise it. I'm absolutely disgusted by Sarah Palin's blatant LIE to further her own agenda. I have friends who cannot provide a Christmas for their families because they can't afford it. I'm not talking about a small fortune in Christmas gifts and an extravagant dinner with a ski trip to Aspen. I'm talking about a decent meal and a Christmas help get into the spirit. I realize that is not what Christmas is about and so do they but would you like to see the heartbreak on their faces as they try to explain to their families that Christmas will not happen this year? Would you like to see their children's faces as they try to explain, without breaking into tears themselves, why Santa won't visit their homes? All of this happens in homes around America as CEO's are jetting off to other countries for Christmas vacation holidays. Maybe the working class should trade places with the CEO's for a day and see what happens to the wages in this Country after that day. It likely won't happen but it's something to ponder. So long for now, K

Monday, November 18, 2013

Jewelry In Candles!

Hi Friends!
I have recently become a rep for Jewelry in Candles! Jewelry in Candles gives you a choice! Choose your candle scent, *your* size in ring, a necklace or earrings! How great is that?! Jewelry that fits YOU in the scent you choose! Visit our website, have a peek and place your order today to ensure delivery before the holidays at the link right there ~~>!
My commissions from these sales will still be credited to our surgical fund! If you are interested in candles but are not interested in the jewelry, we also have a new site with a small selection of candles, ornaments and gift cookie mixes too! You can find that site here:

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Our Most Recent Loss on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Hi friends. Today, October 15, 2013, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
We always extend our greatest sympathies to families learning to live with loss and keep them in our prayers but even more so today. Not only is this intensely personal for us but with our loss yesterday, today has even greater meaning. There is NO loss like that of a child and while we know that no words ease the pain, we are TRULY sorry for each and every loss. A parent should *never*, under any circumstance, have to feel the soul-piercing agony of burying their child. We hope that, some day, there will be technology to save pregnancies and babies who are not considered viable today. If you know someone struggling with loss, PLEASE do *NOT* tell them to get over it, move on or that it was for the best. We never get over this loss and feeling this grief is NEVER the best for anyone. If you cannot find the words to offer comfort or just don't know what to say, simply tell the grieving parent/s that you're sorry for their loss and understand that they need time to accept their 'new' lives. No words can offer a grieving family comfort but knowing that you care *DOES*. It helps them to know that you don't minimize their sense of loss and that they're baby is not dismissed or forgotten.
I was struggling with whether to even post this but decided I should since our followers are a part of our lives now, good and bad. On the 12th, we had a positive pregnancy test and confirmation. We only told close family and those on our private pages for many reasons but of the many, one was the fear that things might not go well as they have before. After a doctor's appointment, something was just not right. It was confirmed late last night that we lost our baby. We knew the reality of this but were praying for the best anyway. In light of this, we have decided to close Knotty Wicks and turn inward for a while. We need to focus on healing from this loss and, eventually, make plans to continue save for the surgery. It was *not* an easy decision nor one we take lightly. It is just that we have come to the point where Knotty Wicks seems to be a LOT more work than I can handle right now, with work, family life, the site and product expenses are making profit VERY difficult and the sole purpose for Knotty Wicks was to earn the funds for the surgery. We are leaving our fund raiser, found here: , up for the moment and will continue to share here and on our Cantrell Family Fund Raiser page on Facebook periodically. Thank you all so much for your support, prayers, positive energy and well-wishes as we tried to make this work. We genuinely appreciate each and every one of you.
Someone on a social media site mentioned that we probably lost babies because of Karma because I was rude to her at some (unknown but I'll take her word for it) point. I assured her that if I, of all people, was rude to her, it was because she must've really been doing something horrible. I also advised her that this isn't Karma. This isn't about attention. Someone else implied that I made this post seem very traumatic. me, loss is traumatic as a whole. When I say, "Heal from this loss", I mean that we need to accept it and decide what our future plans look like. Apparently, that was lost on some people. I do know that the majority of you understood what I meant. If you would like to lite a candle in memory of the babies gone far too soon and support of those who remain, please feel free to comment here or on our Facebook page with your image. I will post every comment for those purposes today. Thank you all. Much love and hugs. So long for now. George and Khrysti

Friday, October 11, 2013

Featured with the highest rank?!

Hi friends!! We posted a fund raiser event, in addition to Knotty Wicks, on a site called Celebrate Plus. A few weeks ago, I received an email from the owner of the site who asked for certain details and advised that he was featuring our post!! Below, is a copy of the original post by CP staff. ;)
Celebrate Plus shared a link. October 8 Khrysti & George have been trying for four years to have a baby. They need a surgery to have that baby. You can help:
This morning I received this email!
Hello Khrysti, I am attaching a report that shows that the post about your campaign was the more popular and with the most clicks this past week. Unfortunately it hasn't translated to actual donations, but we ail keep insisting. Have a great weekend, __ Nelson
Needless to say, we are THRILLED about this! Below is our post from other social media. We haven't received any donations yet but the owner of Celebrate Plus is not giving up and we aren't either! ;) If you would, PLEASE share the post provided below to get the word out there about our story and our fund raising efforts. Thank you all SO much for your continued support, prayers and love!!
Hi all! This post, our story, ranked the HIGHEST on the Celebrate Plus site for traffic after we were featured! That didnt bring any donations or new orders yet, but the owner of CP isnt giving up so we arent giving up hope. PLEASE SHARE THIS! TY all so much for your support. Khrysti & George have been trying for four years to have a baby. They need a surgery to have that baby. You can help:

Thursday, October 10, 2013

The Goodies!!

Hi friends!! I was planning on posting this yesterday but really didn't feel like it after speaking with the friend I mentioned in "THE SIGNS" blog entry. Sooo...I wanted to share some of the new and exciting things we have added to Knotty Wicks and Destined for Heaven Memorials. Many of these items make thoughtful gifts for upcoming holidays, anniversaries and just as a token to show someone you care.
As many of you know, Knotty Wicks/Destined for Heaven was founded to help us fund the surgery I need so that we can have a healthy baby. ALL of the proceeds from sales are credited to that surgical account. The surgery I need is *not* covered by insurance so we have to pay cash for it. Anyway....below are the items for sale that are now posted on the site, located here:
Personalized Ornaments These ornaments are a perfectly clear bulb impressed with your favorite image or name of your loved one and tied with a little bow. The year 2013 is impressed on the reverse. Please place your order today to ensure delivery by December! Should you have any questions, please just let us know!
Cake/Holiday Cookies in a Jar We offer all natural cake and cookie mixes ready to mix and bake. Prepared by classically trained chef, George!
Infant Loss/Miscarriage Cards Set of 2 cards with your choice of personalized condolences for families suffering the loss of a child, infant or pregnancy.
Memorial Silicon Bracelet Our memorial silicon bracelets are available in regular or Halo/Wings Memorial. OK friends, so those are the most recent additions to the site. Please keep in mind that we do custom orders and if there is something you really want to have made, all you have to do is ask. ;) We are also offering pillar candles with your special poem, verse or loved ones photo/info impressed into the wax. Pics will be up shortly for those items. Thank you so much for following our journey and showing your support as we strive to reach our goal! So long for now, friends! Khrysti

The Signs!

Hi friends! Last night I was discussing a very serious situation with a friend of mine. Her family is trying to cope with the tragic passing of her newborn grandson. Though we have discussed this precious angel's passing MANY times before, tears were flooding my face as we discussed how this sweet baby's passing has affected her entire family. I really wanted to tell her that everything would be ok and that, some day soon, this would all be a horrible, distant memory. That's what I WANTED to say. What I had to say was quite different and it broke my heart to tell her so. I could hear the pain in her written words, I could see the hope fading and the comfort she found in some things being thrown to oblivion. I didn't sleep last night as I thought about my friend, her family and their situation. I'm tremendously touched by the strength and support they show for one another.
As the evening wore on and turned to early morning, another friend joined us and we tried to brainstorm, give comfort and be honest about what we thought the next step could be for this family. Somewhere toward the end of this several hour conversation, the subject of signs came up. Signs from our loved ones who are no longer on this earthly plain with us but who still send us messages to let us know they are ok. We were discussing how genuinely we pray for signs from our angels but often feel that our pleadings fall on deaf ears.
I could see myself *almost* 13 years ago in my big, empty house all alone, cuddled up in bed, pillow soaked with tears desperately begging Hunter to show me some sort of sign, any sign at all, that he was safe, warm and happy. As the days turned into weeks, weeks to months...there were no signs. There was just emptiness and loneliness instead. It was like living in a dark, cold, bottomless pit. As my friends and I were discussing signs, I mentioned that I had been begging and pleading for signs for so long that I was missing them. The times when Hunter's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer music box would begin to play on it's own, the occasions when I felt as if there was someone there with me in an otherwise empty house, the instance when the 'Bright Yellow Savior' (Look to the right to locate this post.) suddenly appeared on the counter in my kitchen, the wreckless decision to drive through a solid red-light at an intersection when there was NO other traffic on the road there in mid-day. Those things WERE my signs. They were the signs that my precious boy was always with me no matter my location, was watching over me and was not only protecting me but others as well because I was too deep in my own grief to think clearly. Of course, some of those choices I deeply regret and am eternally thankful that I didn't hurt anyone else that words can't capture it. Sometimes, in order to see the signs from our loved ones, we need to stop looking and see that which is right in front of us.
So long for now, my friends. Hugs and love always! Khrysti

Monday, September 30, 2013

What *NOT* to Say When They're Not Expecting!

Hi friends! Tonight's post isn't something I wrote. It's a brilliant article from another couple, Candace and Chris Wohl, who are TTC and experiencing infertility. We found some of these replies hilarious and wanted to share them with you. This is not a stab or jab at anyone but we figured you all could share the giggle with us! Enjoy!!
A random picture of our kitty, Diva, for your viewing pleasure!;)
WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING It is often said, and sometimes indelicately so, that you don't know what it is like to feel like someone else until you have been in their shoes. Although that is somewhat true, if we truly believe this, then no one would be able to relate to any other person on the planet ... the whole no two snowflakes are alike kind of thing. Everyone is an expert on making babies we found out. Good thing because I woke up today and thought to myself "Gee, I can't wait to talk to the checkout clerk at the grocery store about my broken uterus and why I am buying tampons instead of baby diapers." All snark aside, what do you say to someone who is suffering through infertility? We'll we can certainly share with you what not to say. Over the years we have pretty much heard it all. Being on the receiving end makes you feel very exposed, sad, somehow less human. It was like we just admitted that we lost the primal ability to procreate, or procreate easily anyway. If this has happened to you, we are sure that-regardless of the outcome-it was not an enjoyable experience. Or maybe you may know someone who is grappling with filling their empty nests, and can use some tips and mental slaps as what not to say. Therefore, we have made a list of the top 5 bonehead things not to say to people wrestling with infertility as well as cheeky responses that, if nothing else, you can think of in the moment. Chris, the other 'C' in our C&C will chime in as well on these. 1. Why don't you go on vacation? My friend _______ got pregnant that way. Candace- Well, we would love to go back to Mexico or somewhere else tropical and amazing, but oddly, all that is left in our vacation fund jar is dust bunnies and IOUs. We spent it on the $5K in meds that made me hormonal casserole and the $13K in IVF costs. Will you pay for us to go on vacation so we can make a baby like your friend _______ did? 2. Just means you get to practice more ... lucky man! Chris- Hmm, all the sex I can handle. That doesn't sound too bad. Unfortunately, it's all scheduled around ovulation, or transfers, or the last time we had sex, or Candace just had surgery, or whatever. Not only that, but the whole time you are thinking, "I wonder if this will work?" or "Why are we even doing this, it hasn't worked before." or "Alright, I need to make sure to get this over with so I can help Candace with some gravity-assisted fertility acrobatics." Talk about some erotic thinking! 3. Why don't you just adopt? Candace- Sure because it is really easy, no red tape at all! Now, all we need to do is drive over to the Adopt-O-Mart and pick out that cute little baby with blue eyes, blonde hair and the dimples! Why don't you give me the $30-60 thousand US that it costs to adopt? Better yet, why don't you make our profile book for the adoption agency, fill out the bazillion forms, hire an adoption attorney, freak out for us about our home study, provide proof of pet vaccinations, fingerprints, blood tests, anal probes, who knows what else on top of the costs to help us adopt? Oh, and then after jumping through flaming loops to adopt you get to wait a few years for you to get placed. 4. Why are you in such a rush to have a baby? Chris- Rush is kind of a subjective word. Molasses 'rushing' out of a container is still going pretty slow. We are 'rushing' to have a child if you consider the months-long process of IVF 'rushing.' We have 'rushed' through that process several times. We may even start to 'rush' through the 2-5 year adoption process soon. At that rate, our kids would 'rush' to graduate college just before we turn 60! 5. Don't you think you are trying too hard? Candace- Would you tell a cancer patient that they are trying too hard? How about somebody that is having trouble adjusting to a transplanted heart? Extreme analogies ... perhaps. The message here is that infertility is not sexual retardation. It IS a medical condition. What we need to keep in mind is that these comments are not personal attacks. They are insensitive, ill-timed, and just plain stupid BUT they are well-intentioned. Friends and family are grasping at straws to figure out what to say. It is awkward being in your childless shoes, and it is equally awkward in theirs. This has been a taboo topic for so long and no one really wants to make their baby-making activities public. For us, we had years of these instances to finally realize that educating our circle of support will help make this everyone. If you are on the other side of the coin, you are one of the people delivering these comments to a couple, our best advice is don't. It is difficult for any of us to hear a problem and not want to lend some one-line reply to help. Really though, it is often the person 'giving' the advice that feels better. You go away thinking, "Man, I am glad I could put their issue in perspective for them." Instead, offer your loved one support and encouragement, not the Spanish inquisition as to when they will start their family or why it is not working out. Or simply to quote my mom or Thumper from the movie Bambi obviously both sources that are profoundly wise, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". If you like our posts, check out our blog at C&C from MTV's True Life Follow Candace Wohl on Twitter:

Saturday, September 21, 2013

$70 Shipping??

Hi all!
I have just been made aware the shipping issue on the website. Instead of charging per weight, it's charging PER ITEM. I apologize for the error. I'm working on getting it fixed right now. I will post again when I've fixed the shipping. If you wish to order in the meantime, please just send us a message and I will create an invoice for you with actual shipping. Thank you so much for your support and your patience!! K

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

God and Hatred?

Hi friends! So, tonight I responded to a post on a popular Mom's forum. The lovely lady who created the post shared her story of infant loss with us. When I saw the title of the post, I instantly felt that familiar knot in my throat and tears beginning to well in my eyes. I hadn't read the post yet but the title told me I was about to read a story of another angel mom's heartbreak. For her privacy, I'm not sharing the post but I will share this entry with her so she can comment if she feels compelled. As I read her detailed description of the loss of her baby, tears were streaming down my face. I could feel her words in my chest. That devastating pain, the disbelief, the odd feeling that provokes laughter because it's just too ridiculous to believe that babies die...that OUR babies die. We also struggle with the question in our minds whether we are still Moms since our babies are not here with us.
When I replied to her post, I was trying to find words to really articulate that I know exactly how she felt. I know my words fell short but I think that I really didn't have to say much for her to grasp that I know her pain all too well. I very briefly shared our losses and posted some of my absolute favorite poems/images. One mom replied to me asking if I talk to God. Reading her comment, I paused to think for a moment. I'm no longer an intensely religious person. I used to be. I haven't gotten back to that point yet. Yes, I believe in God. I do pray. I shared with this lady that when my first child, Hunter, was born sleeping, I HATED God. I called God every name I could think of. I told Him that I'd never, as long as I live, forgive Him for taking my baby. By this lady's next comment, I could tell she was, in the most gentle way she knew how, trying to tell me to turn to God to help me through the grief and anger we all feel with the loss of a child. I replied to her comment and told her the following:
....... At first, when Hunter died, I absolutely hated God. I called Him every name I could think of, told Him how much I hated Him. I had to have someone to blame when I ran out of reasons for it to be my fault so God caught the heat. I have asked for forgiveness and I have to believe that God knows what this pain is like. While I don't think He 'approved' of my anger and hatred, I think He understood it. I'm sure I'm neither the first nor the last to blame God. :( It took a VERY long time to come out of that.
As I wrote it, I could feel that anger try to creep it's way back up. Now, after 13 years, we are dealing with the loss of our twins. I didn't feel the same hatred this time. I was hurt and angry but I didn't have a place to lay the blame. There are two things this wonderful lady shared with me. One of them was something she was told by a friend:
When you ask God for forgiveness he goes to his black board and erases that sin or bad thing... its gone. He completely moves on and it's over. He always gives us chances.
As I read it, I could actually envision the blackboard and my hateful words scribbled in chalk. I instantly fell in love with this idea and asked if I could share it. Over the years, I did have to deal with some guilt of the things I had said to God. Even though I asked for forgiveness, I still felt some of that guilt. When I read about the blackboard, I envisioned that God and I were now ok. I know that my relationship with God isn't perfect, nor am I but I didn't mean those things I said and I believe He has forgiven me.
Source for blackboard image:
The second thing this lady shared with me was a quote she opened right up to in a book she has. We were discussing that sometimes, I have nothing to say to God. Sometimes, I think certain things and I believe God can 'hear' me. She told me that in her book, it says that God can hear you during these times and if you need to, use them to communicate with Him. She said she wasn't sure why but that she felt she needed to share the following with me from her book:
"I am nearer than you think, richly present in all your moments. You are connected to me by love bonds that nothing can sever. However you may sometimes feel alone, because your union with me is invisible, ask me to open your eyes so that you can find me everywhere. The more aware you are of my presence the safer you feel. This is not some sort of escape from reality; it is turning in to ultimate reality. I am far more real than the world you can see, hear and touch. Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." ~Source of original quote is unknown~
When I read the quote and her comment about not knowing why she felt compelled to share it with me, I instantly knew why she was moved to share it. I can only think that God told her, in some way, that she needed to share it with me. I have felt abandoned by God more than once in my life. The losses of my children were the most devastating events in my entire life for me. I realize that I still feel, in a small way, that God has abandoned me. It feels sometimes that He's left me standing out here, in what can be a very cruel, painful world, all by myself. I honestly believe there was a plan for this post on the site to show up today and speaking with this mom was no accident. I can't help but to be thankful and thank God for this. I will truly try my best to seek God more often than I do, especially when I feel that He has just left me all alone. I hope this post has some meaning for each of you and that it may touch you the way my conversation reached me today. Thank you all for all of your love and support! With wishes of many blessings for each of you....Until next time. So long, Khrysti

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

It's been a long time.

Hi friends! I know it has been quite a while since I posted my last blog entry. I apologize for that. Life has been quite hectic around here and we were taking some time to think about our goals. ;) We decided to revise a few of them a little bit and found ways to help us reach our goal to a healthy baby a little more quickly. In that time, a lot has happened. Our kittens are almost four months old, I've decided to take a position to work from home, we've decided to change our diets a little. I learned that one of my step-sons (from my ex) has a new family of his own, several friends have announced new babies on the way, a few friends have suffered losses, of their parents, other loved ones and pregnancies. It has been eventful, fun, strange, exciting and heartbreaking all rolled into one. No matter how many sad and disappointing things may happen in our lives, we have proof that it won't be that way forever. We have proof that there is a reason to have hope.
Source for photo and quote: During the last two months or so, I also lost my faith a little, decided I was going to give up then found a renewed sense of hope. I'm anxious for the next chapter. We are planning for a lot of wonderful new things in our lives. I've come to accept that no matter how much I want to, there are just certain things I have no control over and I have to let God lead the way. That is hard for someone like me. Someone who is a bit OCD, a little Type A and isn't very patient where certain things are concerned. lol I decided that tonight was a good time to write as the rain parades down the sun-lightened wooden pickets of our backyard fence. The fresh smell comforts in a way and washes away some things to allow the chance for a fresh perspective. Each new rain, just like each new day, is a chance to start over, make new plans. An opportunity to find appreciation for things we might have taken for granted and accept that life follows the path it is meant to. Today is a special reminder of those things. It is September 11, 2013. Twelve years ago today, I was in an executive suites hotel because we were having new carpet installed in our entire home. I was very happily pregnant and sleeping when my ex woke me up to tell me about the Twin Towers. My first thought was that it was a had to be. We were just in NY at the end of April visiting some of my family who still live there and everything was fine. As I heard the news in the background, I sat up, looked at the t.v. and watched as the second tower was hit. I was filled with disbelief, sadness and horror that such an accident could be happening right before our eyes. This was about 9:45-10:00am NY time and little was known at that point. I watched the news all day while at work, tried to call my relatives there and prayed they'd answer. The phone lines were busy every time we tried.
I did finally reach my family back home and everyone was ok. There were a few friends of theirs they were waiting to hear from. Those calls were mixed with both happiness and sorrow. As the hours turned to days, days to weeks and weeks to months, we all got back to our lives. I watched on t.v. and heard stories from my family of complete strangers coming together to support one another, offer comfort and rebuild. Though I was many, many miles away, I was touched by their strength, determination and compassion for one another. Today was a day in history that we won't ever forget, we will miss those we lost but we are also reminded of how important it is to band together and help others, even strangers. For that, I'm thankful! That's all for now folks but I'll be back tomorrow. I wish all of you comfort, a place to call home, that you are thankful for what you've got and that you are surrounded by people you love. So long, farewell for now, friends! Khrysti

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Destined for Heaven Memorials

Hi all! Knotty Wicks Candles and The Cantrell Family Fundraiser is now offering Memorial Candles personalized with a photo of your loved one on them. The photos are electronically submitted so the bereaved can retain the original, we will print them and attach them to your candles. We are also offering customized Memorial bracelets. For information, please message or call at 719-429-9441. This offer also applies to Moms with angel babies as we have 3 angel babies of our own. We will lovingly accept ANY photos you have. We also have memorial bracelets. Bracelets are available for order on the website here: You can find our Destined for Heaven Memorials page on Facebook here: PLEASE NOTE*** ALL proceeds are credited to our surgical fund to help us have a healthy baby after the stillbirth of our twins!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Kitties with Chicken and Fish

Photo Source~~Google Images
Hi everyone!'s been an eventful week here at home. About a week ago, we adopted two of the cutest kitties ever! One, the girl, is white with a little grey-ish streak on the top of her head and the other, a boy, is solid black. We tried to adopt another kitty earlier in May but that fell through so we got these little angels from a friend. The first day/evening with us, Diva and Zodiac spent a good part of the time exploring the house and figuring out where things are. As the night approached, we got them to come out with us and gave them lots of kitty cookies. They rewarded us of course, by keeping us up ALL night playing. lol We didn't mind. I cuddled and played with them, gave them cookies and gave them some toys. That next day was fairly mellow. Zodiac got up on our bed and had his little paws stretched out on my pillow, his lower half tucked under the blanket. He's made himself comfy. Diva, on the other hand, wasn't so social at first. We had to the block every room but the living and our bedroom off because she crawled behind the water heater, then tried the stove and was making me nervous, then she went under the fridge. That was the end of that and I proclaimed it was time to block it off. She didn't spend long out with us though. She would come out periodically and just meow insanely for a second, we'd 'rescue' her from the awful, terrible floor, put her on the bed with us, then she'd jump off and go hide again. lol About 1pm, we realized we hadn't seen them for about an hour, hour and a half and searched the house exhaustively for them but couldn't find them anywhere. As George told me that they must've gotten out somehow, I denied that there was any way for them to get out, sat at my computer and realized that I was trying not cry. :( After George noticed this, he got back up to search again. After a few minutes, George came back with happy, sleepy kitties in hand. It seemed that Diva and Zodiac decided they were SO comfy that they would like to nap in a box propped up against the wall where I make the items for Knotty Wicks ( That night, same tale. When they finally calmed down for what was left of the night, they slept between our pillows.
Source~~Google Images The third day with us, they were settled in just like family. Now, they REALLY got rowdy! ;) They would eat themselves silly between the kitty food and kitty cookies then sleep most of the day. At night though....that was a different story. lol Once the lights go out in the house for the night, it is KITTY P-A-R-T-Y TIME! We try to get them to calm down for the night by cuddling but that doesn't always work. We all enjoy the cuddle time just the same. Yesterday, as I was working at my laptop, Diva climbed up on to my shoulder and watched the screen as I typed. I looked at her, smiled and leaned over just slightly so she wouldn't fall off. ;) So, we've settled into our new role as kitty parents and are used to the miniature yet vocal meows to let us know it's time to eat, time to get in our laps, time to get on a bed, time whatever THEY want. ;) Today, we gave them a little bit of fish. Then, after dinner, George picked a little bit of chicken breast off of his dinner and hand fed it to Diva and Zodiac. We often give them kitty cookies from our hands but Diva seems to think my fingers look like kitty cookies so we have started putting it down for them. They LOVED both the fish and chicken. They also seem to like the smell of pickles as they meow uncontrollably if one of us is eating a pickle. lol Yes, we admit that our kitties are spoiled silly but we wouldn't have it any other way. <3 <3 So long for now! Khrysti

Friday, June 21, 2013

It's a PARTY!!!

Photo Source~~ Don Johnston
Hi friends!! We are going to have a party!! We are going to have a Lia Sophia party on July 5th and the proceeds are being donated to Knotty Wicks Candles / The Cantrell Family Fundraiser to help us fund our surgery for a healthy baby after the still birth of our twins! A very lovely lady has reached out to us and offered to donate sales from her jewelry party to us to help us reach our goals!! There is something everyone can afford in this wonderful jewelry line! In addition, for our party, a special will be offered! Buy One, Get TWO HALF OFF! If you would like to attend this party, or would like to order, please message us or comment here! Thank you VERY much! Khrysti and George

Thursday, June 20, 2013


New video for Knotty Wicks Candles and The Cantrell Family Fundraiser!! ;) SPLISH SPLASH!!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

A Video George Made for Me about Our Babies to Share with All of You!

A video George made for share with all of you! ♥ ****The video DOES contain photos of our angels after they were born sleeping. ****

The Train from Vienna to Venice

Source for photo~~
A few people have told me just to give up on having a baby, that it's not meant to be, that God doesn't want us to be parents. At times, it's REALLY hard not to throw my hands up and give in. Anyway, I was watching a movie and one line from the whole movie stood out. The part I'm talking about is where a man who lives in Italy tells a woman having a VERY hard time adjusting to her new life that citizens of Italy once built a train track from Vienna to Venice before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. The point is that they built the tracks because they KNEW a train would eventually make that trip. Even though some days are super hard and we lose hope, I won't give up yet. We are going to believe that it WILL happen. I worry myself sick over whether we will be able to save for this surgery before I enter menopause. I have my days where I wonder if these mean spirited people have a point. Some days, its REALLY hard not to get angry and just say screw it all. I think we want this so badly, it starts to take over a little. Today was a quiet day around here. I tried to smile and look happy but inside, I wanted to cry. I know that we are good people, we try to help others as much as we can. We donate TIME, money, love, hugs and prayers to anyone who needs, wants or asks for it. I'm truly trying not to be bitter and give up. I do have some WONDERFUL friends who always try to pick me up when I'm down or tell me that the people telling us to just quit are wrong. I LOVE these friends of mine and I would be a mess without them some days. For now, I will try to keep my chin up, take ONE step at a time and remind myself how we got here in the first place and what we really want. We just need hope, faith and prayers to get us through. If you would like to help us EARN the funds we need for the surgery, we have a TON of items here for men, women, children and even pets that I custom make per order and the proceeds are deposited to our surgical fund. :) So long for now, Khrysti

Friday, June 14, 2013

Flames Lead to Heroes!

~~As of right now, the source for this photo is unknown.
Hi everyone! It has been a hectic week here! We live in Colorado...not far from Royal Gorge and just South of Colorado Springs. On Tuesday, I saw a Facebook post about the Royal Gorge fire. I thought, "As in the bridge??". Long story short, I walked outside, near my neighbors house and this is what I saw: ~~Source: Khrysti Cantrell, the home in the photo belongs to our neighbor.
The fire, at that time, about an hour after being reported, had already taken down about 80-100 acres with ZERO containment. We watched and stressed and shared as the fire spread, striking down nearly everything in it's path. We prepared some things in case we had to evacuate. The wind kept blowing stronger and making us seriously worry for everyone's safety here. Less than 15 blocks away, they evacuated one of our local prisons to ensure it could be done in a calm, orderly fashion and they didn't have to rush. About 20 minutes after coming home from a trip to the store, I walked back outside and the air was filled with smoke and raining ash. We watched as THOUSANDS of acres were burned, many people and animals were evacuated from their homes and, further still, some people completely lost their homes. We thought, many times over, that we would have to evacuate but did our best to help with the Fire Fighters, animal relocation, food needed for those animals and more. I was really moved by how two communities came together to help one another. People from all over the world, friends of mine, consistently sent messages, texts, posts on Facebook asking if we were okay, had what we needed or had a place to go. There were days I was really worried about the winds blowing the fire here and making us evac. The one thing that remained constant for me was that I planned to take things we couldn't replace, like photos, things made for my children, etc. and leave the rest behind. In my mind, EVERYTHING else could be replaced. If we have the pics and trinkets we valued most and left with our lives and health in tact, we were ahead of this fire and we would beat it. The first night, we walked a total of ABOUT 30 blocks in the smoke and ash to make sure a friend's ill Mom was okay because she couldn't be reached by phone. The streets were empty, most street lights weren't on. It was an eerie feeling throughout our entire town. Over the next few days, we coordinated as much as possible with ANYONE who wanted to help. We managed to get Hay to horses who were evacuated, food and drinks to Fire Fighters and food/other care items for small animals evacuated because of the fires. <3 The fires are not out yet BUT we are at 30% containment in Colorado Springs and 40% containment in Royal Gorge. Many structures we lost but most everyone is safe!! Colorado Springs has lost about 10,000 acres. We (Royal Gorge) lost approximately 3,100 acres. We did, sadly, find the remains of two folks among the debris from the fires and their remains are being identified to notify family. Their demise is being investigated but is suspected to be as a result of the fire. May they Rest in Paradise. <3 <3 We send our love and prayers to their family and friends! <3 I must say, our Fire Fighters did a TREMENDOUS job of keeping all of us safe and tried to save as many structures as possible! No words could express how grateful we are for them, their commitment and diligence. We truly appreciate them more than we can express. Some people say that our little tourist town is now ruined and some are worried about our local economy now. We WILL rebuild and we have a LOT to offer the public/tourists in the mean time. We are NOT ruined and we will rise to help our little town recover, just as we did to help those affected. It is true that "Community Doesn't Burn Down"!! ~~Source: This photo was seen posted on one of our local highways. No one is sure who put it there!
So long for now! Khrysti

Monday, June 10, 2013

For those of you asking

Hi everyone. For those of you asking, we have created a home business to help us fund the surgery we need. The surgery and travel will cost us $8000 because insurance doesn't cover any part of it. We are given a 70% chance of a healthy pregnancy and baby with this surgery. You can find that link here: For those of you asking about donations, that link is: Thank you!! Love, hugs and blessings to each of you! <3

The Bright Yellow Savior and the Hope to Carry On.

Hi everyone! I thought that my heart couldn't possibly shatter into smaller pieces after I laid my first baby, Hunter, to rest. I learned it was possible to hurt more when my twins, Seann and Gianna, passed from this world. At that point, I was positive I couldn't ever be hurt to that depth again. I have learned, once again, that I was wrong. Every time I see a new parent talking about their precious babies whether taken at birth, before birth or later in life, saying how much they miss them and would give anything for just one more day, I feel a tug at my heart, knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. I instantly wish I had a magic wand to make it better for them, to make their pain go away, to bring their babies back and make them whole again. I know I can't do that but it doesn't stop me from wishing I could. I see how differently some people handle this loss. Some scream, some cry, some shut down, some pretend nothing is wrong. I remember when my Hunter passed away, I hated his father (we are now divorced) for the way he seemed to go on with life, able to smile and laugh. I despised the way he could watch t.v. and actually see the pictures. The way he could eat and still taste the different flavors of the food. I despised the things I found out he did after Hunter was born, with another woman. I despised him. I despised life. In fact, we agreed that he should move out after Hunter was born. He did. I tried to pretend like everything was okay. I went to work, went to the cemetery and went home. I don't know where he went or what he did. By December, I had made a plan. On New Years Eve about 11pm, my mother called and asked if I wanted her to come over with her new boyfriend. I said no and that I was just going to bed. Of course, I sat alone, in my big, empty house. The t.v. was on but I wasn't watching. Instead, I was planning to end my life so I could be with my baby. I had it all planned and was preparing to carry it out. I walked to the kitchen, went to the cabinet and just then, I saw a bright yellow piece of paper that my Aunt in Law had given me weeks before and I had since misplaced. On that bright yellow paper was the number of a suicide hotline. The hotline had been created in memory of a young man who, for one reason or another, had found himself in the position I was now in and felt he had no one to talk to. The hotline had been started by his family. I grabbed the paper off the counter, took my phone off the cradle, slid down to the floor and dialed the number. A young man who couldn't have been older than his mid-twenties answered the line. He talked to me for nearly three hours, most of that time I'm sure he couldn't understand what I said through the tears. Whether he understood or not, he LISTENED! I'm sure that that young man saved my life that night. Had it not been for him, the hotline and the paper that my Aunt in Law had given me weeks before, I would have followed through with my plans. I'm SO very thankful that the young man was there that night. It has not been easy and though I still have a hole in my heart for each of my babies who should be with me and aren't, that young man gave me hope. He convinced me it wasn't my fault that my baby boy had died. He convinced me that I deserved to live and that the pain I felt that night wouldn't always be so strong. It would get better and my baby wanted me to be happy. Though we have had several miscarriages and our twins were born too soon not destined to stay, I know I can survive. I want to survive! I will FOREVER miss my babies, I will forever want them here with me, I will love them until the moon turns to rust but I owe it to them not to give up! They helped to form the best parts of me, the parts that make me want to help others when I feel down to my last drop of strength, the parts that let me know that I am strong and can live this life and be happy until we meet again. <3 The parts that make me want to keep trying and make it possible for us to have more beautiful, healthy babies that I can spend a lifetime with. If you or someone you know is feeling desperate, sad and as if suicide is the only option, PLEASE know **YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THERE IS HELP!!** Below is the contact information for the suicide hotline. You can chat online with someone who will listen and they DO care!! All it takes is one call to save a life. *~*~*~* National Suicide Hotline: *~*~*~* To reach the Suicide Hotline by phone, call: 1~800~273-TALK ~~That is 1~800~273~8255. If you don't feel like you can call that line, contact me. We care, we love you and we are here!! So long for now, sending love and hugs to each of you! Khrysti

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Sometimes, you have to smile through your tears and remember why you've held on this long

At times, I feel like I'm fighting a battle I can't win. I just want to throw my hands up and surrender. Then I remember how badly I want to hold our baby, hear him or her giggling and cooing, have toys everywhere and too much baby laundry to do. I'm sure my dreams aren't a tenth of how wonderful that would be. I won't give up. No matter how many tears fall, how discouraged we may feel or how many times my heart breaks, I will NOT give up on our babies! We can do this. We WILL do this! Patience, will and prayer is what I really need right now. <3

Friday, June 7, 2013

Our New Youtube Channel~~ *PHOTOS*

Hi everyone! We created a Youtube Channel! Please bear with us as we figure out how to create new videos! ;) Some day, we truly hope to share videos of our babies with all of you! <3 You can subscribe here: You can also find our site here:

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Would you like to help us have a healthy, happy baby while getting cool gifts for Father's Day?

Would you like to help us reach our goals so we can have a healthy baby? You can do just that while getting awesome, custom-made products for the Dad in your life!! Hi friends!! Father's Day is June 16th, 2013!! Right around the corner! We have TONS of gifts for Dad! We have homemade BBQ Sauce for Dad's famous cookouts, we have paracord bracelets in any color or design, we have Father's Day Gift Baskets and more @ **Remember, proceeds from sales are also credited to our surgical fund to help us reach our goal of having a family after the stillbirth of our twins. Get something special for the wonderful Dad in your life and contribute to a wonderful cause! <3 If you would like to donate instead of purchasing product, you can do so here: Thank you all SO much for your support, prayers, hugs and wishes!! George and Khrysti


Friends: We need prayer BADLY!! I just spoke with my friend and her husband has been given 3 to 6 months, with his treatments. For those of you unaware, they just learned last night that he has Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer that has spread to his lungs. I know she is devastated and REALLY needs our prayers and support, in ANY form!! If you would like to help with meals, cards, prayers..anything at all, PLEASE PM me and we will coordinate to help this wonderful lady and her husband. Thank you so much! Khrysti

Some Day......

When you are dealing with infertility, no matter how many wonderful people and things are in your life, colors don't seem as bright, sounds seem slightly muffled, even the morning sun can seem sad. As you shove your way through the mounds of feelings that come with the contract of infertility, at some point, it is inevitable that you will feel like giving up. There will be days when you are determined to reach your goals, whatever they may be, and have the baby you have been dreaming of since what feels like the beginning of time. There are days when you become obsessed with having a baby and that is all you can think about. There are also days when you reason with yourself and accept that your body is defective, it's not going to happen and you just have to move on. Today is one of the days when half of me thinks it won't ever happen and the other half of me won't let myself give up. Today feels like one of those days when the $8000.00 we need to save for the surgery might as well be $80,000,000. I have been blessed with a hand full of friends who do their very best to bring me out of my 'funk'. Sometimes, they have to grab me by the shoulders, shake me, slap me a good one, metaphorically of course, and say, "Hey!! You DESERVE this! You are going to be a great Mommy! It WILL happen! Don't give up!". Naturally, these are the best of my friends and I would be lost without them! They listen as I explain, with a sort of whine in my voice and a knot in my throat that is forcing the tears back down, that I'm getting older by the minute and that being told I was entering Menopause in my early twenties is forever burned into my brain. It's burned like an oven rack that you accidentally get your arm too close to while taking cookies out of the oven. When my period is late, my brain plays cruel games with me. It allows me to think this could be 'THE month', then it sharply, rudely reminds me that even if it is, due to my one working fallopian tube, the egg will be damaged and result in another baby I will have to lay to eternal rest long before a person should ever die or a Mom should have to bury her baby. The natural order of things is that my children will bury me, long after I've watched them graduate high school, then college. Long after I cry tears of joy at their wedding and the birth of my Grandbabies. Long after I have held my Grandchildren and, if I'm REALLY lucky, my Great-Grandchildren. Of course, my children would be sad but they could say that I lived a very full life surrounded by the people I loved most. Though my heart aches like it has been ripped out, stomped on and set ablaze. Through tears that sting my cheeks and soak my pillow often fall late into the night as I miss my babies and long for the day I can hold them again, I will continue to fight. I will continue to pray. I WILL keep hope and keep sharing our links every day until we reach our surgical fund goal. I will have to be patient, I'll have to be calm but we WILL get there. Yes!! Some day you will see pictures of some of the cutest babies you have EVER seen! We will be holding them and able to call them our own. We will post pictures of silly faces, us playing in a home seemingly made of toys, bubbly baths with colored rubber duckies and soft, pastel-colored onesies and outfits. Some day we will hold our crying little munchkins and there won't be a more beautiful sound in the world than that of our babies voices. Some day, our dreams will come true. Some day.....

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

"I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like you For Always...." **PHOTOS**

On November 28, 2000, we filed into a medium sized room at Olinger Magnolia Funeral Home. I was dressed in black from head to toe, my husband was wearing a suit with a tie. I vaguely remember the day, I vaguely remember the drive to the funeral home. When we arrived, the wonderful Funeral Home Director escorted us to our viewing location for Hunter. The flowers that were sent were already displayed but I was told that I could move them anywhere I would like. To the left and behind Hunter's tiny open casket was a ficus tree my OB/GYN had personally sent in Hunter's memory. There were air-brushed carnations, a Peace Lily from my favorite Aunt-in-law and a little pot with a variety of plants from my husband's employers. When I went to kneel down beside Hunter's casket, I took a deep breath in. No one had told me that the mortician was unable to embalm Hunter's tiny body so they had to wrap his precious little body in cotton dipped in Formaldehyde. Hunter's face was also wrapped in some kind of paper like substance that had been touched up with peach make-up. Hunter's chin was the only feature I could distinguish and it shocked me. With that deep breath, I nearly passed out. For an hour and half, I sat next to Hunter's casket. I was talking to him in a voice just above a whisper, describing each item I was including with him in his casket. I could hear the funeral home trying to get the music we had chosen set up and it kept skipping. After about the fifth time, I stood and walked to the sound room. We managed to get it settled. Our pastor finally arrived and asked us to take our seats. I honestly can't remember who was at the funeral but I do know that a friend of mine had to leave mid-service because it was too much for her to bear. I sat there, once again disconnected from this body. I could hear the pastor speaking but all I could focus on was Hunter's tiny blue and white checkered casket and the shape of his tiny, perfect head poking out of the top. At one point, my husband grabbed my hand and said the pastor wanted us to stand up and say what we would say to Hunter if he were still here. My husband walked me up to the podium, put my hands on it, reminded me of the paper I was holding that I had stayed up for nearly two nights writing and told me to go ahead. At some point, I will post that letter here but not for now. I remember being unsteady on my feet and my husband holding onto me as if I would blow away like a dead, crunchy leaf in October floats to the furthest limits in the sky if he let go. I was not eating at that point, I wasn't really hydrating. I didn't WANT to be here. I didn't WANT to eat. Food did nothing for me, I could hear the noise on t.v.'s and radio stations but it was in a language I couldn't understand, the screens were blank. As blank and hollow as my heart, just like my dreams and hopes for the future. Just like all of the plans for my baby who was now laying in a beautiful casket, just a little larger than he. When everyone had spoken and the pastor finished his sermon, we all stood and I was motioned to Hunter's casket. You see, I had asked beforehand if I could carry my precious boy to the limo waiting outside. I approached Hunter's final crib, gently closed the lid after kissing his head and lifted the tiny tomb my baby would forever rest in. My husband was there, he made sure I was steady before he let me out of arm's reach. Everyone filed behind us, my husband on my right and my best friend on my left, as we exited the funeral home through the back doors to the limo waiting outside. As we exited the life celebration room, my pastor began to pray, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..". As he continued, I was thinking about what I was going to do next. I was going to commit my precious baby, my perfect baby in the perfect blue and white checkered casket to the ground. I almost fell and nearly dropped Hunter. My husband and best friend grabbed each arm, supporting Hunter as we walked to the limo just outside the doors. The black limo, dark as night when the moon is switched off and there are no clouds to illuminate your way. It was sort of appropriate I suppose. My heart was now as black as that dark limo waiting to carry me in the last ride I would ever share with my baby. Steering me toward Hunter's new home, for eternity. On the way to the cemetery, my husband, my best friend and I were seated in the furthest cushioned leather bunch seat in the back of the limo. In the middle was Hunter. I kept my hand on his tiny casket, a casket that shouldn't exist in this size, a casket that now held a baby who NEVER should have died, the entire ride. I recall that our driver was an elderly man who, I think with Hunter's gentle guidance, brought the three of us to sudden, ridiculous laughter with his INCREDIBLY slow driving. I remember thinking after the laughter vanished and maddening silence returned that I must be going mad. How else could a mother who is about to bury her child POSSIBLY laugh. Especially now, as I held on to what I could of Hunter as we drove to the plot we had chosen for him in the 'Baby Land' section of the cemetery just off Tower Road, next to the train tracks where the only frequent guests are broken hearts and small wildlife. When we reached Baby Land, I exited the limo and asked to carry Hunter to his final resting place. Just feet away Mary stood with her arms outstretched in a gesture to comfort the now childless, fractured, hopeless shell of parents who encountered her. My request was denied, I can now assume the gentle denial was because of the very near miss at the funeral home. I wasn't in the mood to argue and I didn't have the strength or will anymore so I watched as the Funeral Director picked my adorable cherub baby up and carried him to the green tent surrounding the spot we had chosen for Hunter. I was instructed to sit in the first row of strategically aligned chairs, just across from the unit my baby would be laid on just before he was lowered into the cold, frozen, crisp ground. The November air was so crisp that it burned your lungs as you drew a breath. I sat there, motionless and without a sound as the graveside memorial begin. Halfway through the service, as planned, I stood, walked to Hunter and sat down. I read aloud, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." No one else was there and I was still watching myself from afar, perhaps from a branch on the large, crooked Oak Tree next to Mary. The entire service, all I could think about was how I wanted to climb in with my son, my cherished baby boy and leave this painful, barren existence. I was slapped out of my day dreams of ending this pain by the pastor saying, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...". I remained still and quiet as others came up to hug me, tell me how sorry they were, to call if I needed anything, kiss my forehead or hand and tell me they had to get back to work. When everyone was gone, I remained seated and said I wanted to stay as my baby was committed to the earth forever. Once again, my demand was denied. We were escorted to our waiting limo and told we could come back in an hour and half. As we drove around the half circle to the exit, past Mary with her beckoning arms and the bronze statue of the Bible, I never took my eyes off of Hunter's 'spot'. I knew I would be back soon and in no time at all, I would join my baby boy. I kept my eyes fixed to the spot where Hunter remains today as if I were trying to memorize the last image that would ever be burned into my crying, swollen eyes until long after we drove down the road that held my former future from me like a mean spirited child playing keep-away. The road that would forever hold the shreds of what my life as a Mom could have been until I couldn't see Hunter's plot any more. As I watched Hunter and Baby Land disappear, with the last grain I had to fight, I whispered to him under my breath, "I love you baby! I'll be with you soon".

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

We are amazed!

Hi friends! When I woke up this morning, our most popular blog post had two Google + recommendations. Right now, 10:17 p.m., we have 40,835 shares of our blog post on Google!!! We are getting our story out, little by little! <3 I thank God for all of the amazing people sharing our links!!! <3 If you would like to help us in our journey, please visit our website at ** ** We sell high quality, custom made items that are SLS & Petrochemical FREE and are also Kosher! Our products are so gentle, they are used on those with Eczema and other skin conditions. One Mom, whose 2 year old has moderate Atopic Dermatitis, reports that her little girl's skin was IMPROVED by our bath and body products when the medicated creams from her daughter's doctor we failing. Below are the before and after pictures of this precious little one! Proceeds from sales at Knotty Wicks Candle & Soap Co. are credited to our surgical fund! You are also welcome to join us on Facebook at ** **

I'm In The Arms of Jesus 
Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies."
Please, try not to question God, Don't think he is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child, and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama don't your cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Claudette T. Allen

Monday, May 27, 2013

Renewed Hope....and the Fall Down.

For those of you asking where to donate instead of purchasing product, a page has been set up at the following link. Thank you ALL SO much for all of your support and prayers!!:

If you are interested in learning more about our efforts to have a healthy, happy baby, please subscribe to our blog or visit our page on Facebook at
Thank you all SO much for the support and prayers! You are irreplaceable! <3

Our Twins Journey to Heaven
In September, I learned we were expecting again. This time, I was intent on making sure our babies made it here safe and sound. Despite a decent amount of stress at the time, I managed to hold it together...for a little while anyway. I was working...A LOT and quite tired. It wasn't long before problems started to appear. My blood pressure was steadily increasing, I kept having contractions, was in and out of the hospital. All the while, I refused to believe that these babies, later named Seann Williem and Gianna Bella, would be born anything but healthy and happy. Apparently, there were other plans that I wasn't aware of. I wound up having some heart problems, the blood pressure climbed and one attempt to stop pre-term labor evolved into what seemed like one long act of prevention. As I write this, I can feel that pain in my chest, the knot in my stomach that reminds me that my babies are not here with me. Oddly though, I feel a bit disconnected. I think I have shoved these feelings down so long, I'm not sure if I remember how to feel them. I don't need reminding and, just like Hunter, if I close my eyes hard enough, I can see both of my precious babies. My heart wants to see them laughing and playing but my eyes only see them deep in eternal sleep. I wish there was a way to fool my brain into making it show me images of my babies dancing and singing, playing tag and hopscotch. Just when I think my mind might lead me there, I'm jolted back to my senses....shoved into my harsh, painful reality. I have now learned to live with this reality.

After almost four months of doctor's visits, hospital stays, shots and I.V.'s, on December 16, my beautiful babies, Seann and Gianna, entered this world. Just moments apart. Once again, there was no long string of friends to Congratulate me. There were no flowers or balloons. Just silence chipped into fractions by the words, "I'm so sorry" and "God wanted them home". At the time, I wanted to scream in their faces that I didn't CARE what God wanted! I wanted my babies! I even had some of things they needed sitting at home. Over time, i came to accept that God had a master plan but it was not immediately. At 18 weeks, my precious babies came into the world. At 18 weeks, I had to say goodbye. Even though I knew my babies were in the more than capable and loving hands of Jesus now, I bargained once again. I promised to be a better person, I begged to turn the clock back and re-do this so my babies could be here with me. All of my bargaining just couldn't make my babies come back to matter how hard I cried or prayed or yelled.

I vaguely remember eventually leaving the hospital. A pit in my stomach, biting my lip until it nearly bled hoping it would take the pain from my heart and now empty belly.

I went home and just sat and stared. I didn't know what else to do. What DO you do when the world you were planning on is suddenly stolen, taken despite your best efforts to hold on to it with every fiber you have in you? How do you convince yourself it isn't your fault, that there was nothing else you could have done? How do you avoid turning on yourself? How can you stop wondering why something other women do with such ease is such a chore for your faulty, degenerate body to handle? Is it something you did long ago to someone else that you can't remember that you deserve to feel this crushing pain and maddening failure? Is it that you aren't meant to be a mother that causes your body to become defective and just a shell of a woman?  How do you tell yourself that it isn't your fault when you couldn't save your babies, one of the most important roles of a good mother, of a protector, from death?

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Hunter's Path to Heaven ~~~ **PHOTOS**

Hello again! We have three precious babies with Angel wings. After a mild collision with infertility, we learned we were expecting on August 31, 2000. I was SO happy, I couldn't contain myself. We didn't have very long with the adorable baby we later named Hunter. My first child, Frederick Hunter (first name after my maternal grandfather), was born sleeping on November 22, 2000 due to Cord Entanglement following a fall at work on Nov. 20. I called my OB that day and explained what had taken place. He asked if I was bleeding or gushing fluid. I told him I wasn't so he told me to take some Tylenol for the discomfort, to go home and rest. The next morning, a Tuesday, when I got to work, I couldn't walk from my office to my supervisor's office. I called my OB again. He told me "Pain let's us know we are alive. Go home, rest."

At around 3:30pm, I went to the nearest E.R. against my OB's advice. I was made to sit in the waiting room for four hours, in pain, following a fall, while my baby boy, Hunter, died. They took me to ultrasound, tested urine and put me in a semi-private room in the E.R. with a curtain separating me and another patient. When I was wheeled to ultrasound, I could see that something wasn't right in the technician's eyes...he wouldn't look me in the face. He left the room and came back with a larger transducer, he said, to make it easier to see my baby. I kept trying to see the reflection of the ultrasound screen in his eyeglasses but couldn't get a clear picture. After taking several images, he wheeled me into the hall, touched my shoulder and told me "Good Luck." I was finally taken back to my E.R. room, where my husband had now arrived and was seated. I told him to call my mother, that I thought something might be a little wrong and maybe I would have to be on bed rest or some other minor issue. He called my mother and she arrived within just a few minutes before the doctor came in. The E.R. doctor came in with a nurse, laughing and smiling. He said they were waiting on the results of my urine and when they got the results back, they'd know a little more. He took two steps closer, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Oh, and your baby died.". I looked at him, stunned. I giggled then said "WHAT??". I dont think it hit me right away. I tried to explain to him that seconds before I went to ultrasound, a nurse had been in and found my baby's heart rate at 146 beats per minute. I remember her searching with the doppler, then moving it a bit, then saying, "143, 144, 146 beats a minute" as she smiled and wiped the jelly off the doppler. The doctor just kept saying the same thing over and over but it made NO sense. I didn't come in to the E.R. with my dead baby in my belly. I came in with a happy, healthy baby who was just fine on the Thursday before. I vaguely remember rocking back and just repeating the word 'no' over and over and over. I think I thought that if I said no enough, I could make this horrible nightmare go away. I could wake up back in my warm, safe bed at home with my precious, happy baby growing like a weed in my belly. Except I wasn't at home....and this wasn't a nightmare. This was real and no matter how much a bargained with God, He wasn't going to bring my baby back.

The E.R. doctor said I needed to go home and let "nature take it's course" when asked by my husband what the plan was. My husband instantly responded, a response that seemed more like a knee jerk reaction than a carefully planned thought. He said, "You can't let her go home like this and expect her to deliver our baby at home!! She won't make it! She can't take this, she WILL take her own life!" I remember sitting there, I remember everyone in the room, I remember the smells. I know I was in that room and everyone was talking about me as if I weren't there, right beside them, trying to make sense of all of this but my body wasn't connected to my brain any more. It literally felt like I was floating above my body, just watching all of this as if it were a movie. I knew it wasn't a movie but I was no longer attached to anything happening in that room. I was jerked back to my sense when I saw several security guards coming toward my now private hospital room. The E.R. doctor had called my OB and my OB said there was no need for him to come to hospital. Apparently, that really pissed my husband off, he got a little loud and room had I don't even know how many guards outside. After a short time, the guards spread out until they were gone altogether...or maybe they were still there and they had faded into the background....just like my hopes, my dreams, my plans for my baby. My baby, who I would later have to pick out a casket for and commit his body to the ground. My baby, who I knew I couldn't live without.

At about 10pm, I was wheeled up to the Labor and Delivery unit. I was given Pitocin to induce labor/contractions and told to rest if I could. In this dark, solemn room there was a baby incubator for newborn babies. After a short time, I could hear the other Mom's babies crying. I could hear them crying to be fed, crying to be held. I would give ANYTHING to hear my baby cry. In room L&D 11, Iit was quiet...other than the sounds of the other babies crying. No one came to bring flowers or congratulate us on the arrival of our new baby. Instead, the room remained still and swallowed me in the depth of it's sorrow. Around 5am, I felt something I had never felt before. I called my mother over, she looked underneath my blanket, then ran to get a nurse. No doctor showed up and I had delivered Hunter before my mother returned with the nurse. Amidst the sweet cooing and crying of over newborn babies, I begged God. "PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE, just let my baby cry! I'll do anything you want. PLEASE just let my baby cry!" There was no sound. There was no coo. There was no cry. Just dark, empty, enveloping silence. Silence that felt like it would swallow you whole, that lasted a lifetime.
When the doctor arrived, he delivered the placenta, told the nurse not to show my baby to me and left the room. He told me that my doctor couldn't come back now, not at 5:15am so he would deliver my baby. My baby was already here. The doctor left the room with few words, the nurse was right behind him with my baby Hunter. I was not allowed to see Hunter for almost three hours. No one told me what to expect. No one told me there was nothing physically wrong with my baby. I was terrified to look at him when they brought him into the room, wrapped in a hospital blanket from head to toe and laid him on the incubator table. They left Hunter there and said to look at him when I was ready. After having my mother and husband look at Hunter so they could prepare me, I walked slowly, over to the incubator. There lay the most beautiful creature my eyes had ever seen. Lying in the incubator was my cherished baby boy, Hunter. He was 9 inches long and weighed just over 9 ounces. He was absolutely perfect with ten fingers, ten toes, long little legs and great big strong thighs. His tiny lips pursed as if he was begging for a kiss. Hunter was an Angel who had been living in my belly for 24 short weeks and was now back in God's garden playing with the other Angels.

On Nov. 28, we laid Hunter to rest. We had a small memorial service followed by interment at a cemetery just moments from our home. I spent the next few months during my work break lunches eating at the cemetery, reading, talking to Hunter, begging Hunter to come back. I would stare at the sky from Hunter's burial plot and try to bargain with God to bring my baby home. About the beginning of February, I was at the cemetery, as I had been every other day before, many times, on one of the multiple visits per day. I didn't have work that day so I was in a t-shirt and sweet pants. I was there, talking to Hunter, thinking of things to tell him so I wouldn't have to leave when the grounds caretaker drove by and stopped his truck with a horrified look on his face. This man knew me very well. I had met him when we were choosing a cemetery to place Hunter in, this man had prepared my baby's final resting place, he even put sod down, in November, when I asked if the grass would still be green after Hunter's funeral. You see, it didn't register that the grass wasn't green. I wanted my baby to have green grass. I didn't consider that the ground was frozen solid and there was snow covering the now brown, wilted, sleeping grass. This is the same man who told one of the funeral coordinators to call me a day or two after Hunter's funeral because I looked like I "wanted to climb in that grave with him", he told her. Steve was his name. Steve stared at me for a moment with eyes wide in shock. I stood, looked down at myself and realized I was soaking wet and covered in snow. Steve's face painted with bewilderment and sorrow was caused by his discovery of me, laying in five inches of snow in a t-shirt and sweat pants with no coat in February. Steve politely asked if I was ok, smiled, tipped his baseball hat and drove on. I can't describe the look on Steve's face but it was enough to make me realize I needed help. It was what I needed to finally see that I couldn't handle losing my baby on my own. I needed help to realize it wasn't my fault that Hunter died, to realize that my careless behavior with my health, well-being and sanity had to end. I realized that if I didn't change things drastically and quickly, I wouldn't survive.