Monday, June 10, 2013
The Bright Yellow Savior and the Hope to Carry On.
Hi everyone! I thought that my heart couldn't possibly shatter into smaller pieces after I laid my first baby, Hunter, to rest. I learned it was possible to hurt more when my twins, Seann and Gianna, passed from this world. At that point, I was positive I couldn't ever be hurt to that depth again. I have learned, once again, that I was wrong. Every time I see a new parent talking about their precious babies whether taken at birth, before birth or later in life, saying how much they miss them and would give anything for just one more day, I feel a tug at my heart, knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. I instantly wish I had a magic wand to make it better for them, to make their pain go away, to bring their babies back and make them whole again. I know I can't do that but it doesn't stop me from wishing I could. I see how differently some people handle this loss. Some scream, some cry, some shut down, some pretend nothing is wrong. I remember when my Hunter passed away, I hated his father (we are now divorced) for the way he seemed to go on with life, able to smile and laugh. I despised the way he could watch t.v. and actually see the pictures. The way he could eat and still taste the different flavors of the food. I despised the things I found out he did after Hunter was born, with another woman. I despised him. I despised life. In fact, we agreed that he should move out after Hunter was born. He did. I tried to pretend like everything was okay. I went to work, went to the cemetery and went home. I don't know where he went or what he did. By December, I had made a plan. On New Years Eve about 11pm, my mother called and asked if I wanted her to come over with her new boyfriend. I said no and that I was just going to bed. Of course, I sat alone, in my big, empty house. The t.v. was on but I wasn't watching. Instead, I was planning to end my life so I could be with my baby. I had it all planned and was preparing to carry it out. I walked to the kitchen, went to the cabinet and just then, I saw a bright yellow piece of paper that my Aunt in Law had given me weeks before and I had since misplaced. On that bright yellow paper was the number of a suicide hotline. The hotline had been created in memory of a young man who, for one reason or another, had found himself in the position I was now in and felt he had no one to talk to. The hotline had been started by his family. I grabbed the paper off the counter, took my phone off the cradle, slid down to the floor and dialed the number. A young man who couldn't have been older than his mid-twenties answered the line. He talked to me for nearly three hours, most of that time I'm sure he couldn't understand what I said through the tears. Whether he understood or not, he LISTENED! I'm sure that that young man saved my life that night. Had it not been for him, the hotline and the paper that my Aunt in Law had given me weeks before, I would have followed through with my plans. I'm SO very thankful that the young man was there that night. It has not been easy and though I still have a hole in my heart for each of my babies who should be with me and aren't, that young man gave me hope. He convinced me it wasn't my fault that my baby boy had died. He convinced me that I deserved to live and that the pain I felt that night wouldn't always be so strong. It would get better and my baby wanted me to be happy. Though we have had several miscarriages and our twins were born too soon not destined to stay, I know I can survive. I want to survive! I will FOREVER miss my babies, I will forever want them here with me, I will love them until the moon turns to rust but I owe it to them not to give up! They helped to form the best parts of me, the parts that make me want to help others when I feel down to my last drop of strength, the parts that let me know that I am strong and can live this life and be happy until we meet again. <3 The parts that make me want to keep trying and make it possible for us to have more beautiful, healthy babies that I can spend a lifetime with. If you or someone you know is feeling desperate, sad and as if suicide is the only option, PLEASE know **YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THERE IS HELP!!** Below is the contact information for the suicide hotline. You can chat online with someone who will listen and they DO care!! All it takes is one call to save a life. *~*~*~* National Suicide Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ *~*~*~* To reach the Suicide Hotline by phone, call: 1~800~273-TALK ~~That is 1~800~273~8255. If you don't feel like you can call that line, contact me. We care, we love you and we are here!! So long for now, sending love and hugs to each of you! Khrysti