Wednesday, September 18, 2013

God and Hatred?

Hi friends! So, tonight I responded to a post on a popular Mom's forum. The lovely lady who created the post shared her story of infant loss with us. When I saw the title of the post, I instantly felt that familiar knot in my throat and tears beginning to well in my eyes. I hadn't read the post yet but the title told me I was about to read a story of another angel mom's heartbreak. For her privacy, I'm not sharing the post but I will share this entry with her so she can comment if she feels compelled. As I read her detailed description of the loss of her baby, tears were streaming down my face. I could feel her words in my chest. That devastating pain, the disbelief, the odd feeling that provokes laughter because it's just too ridiculous to believe that babies die...that OUR babies die. We also struggle with the question in our minds whether we are still Moms since our babies are not here with us.
When I replied to her post, I was trying to find words to really articulate that I know exactly how she felt. I know my words fell short but I think that I really didn't have to say much for her to grasp that I know her pain all too well. I very briefly shared our losses and posted some of my absolute favorite poems/images. One mom replied to me asking if I talk to God. Reading her comment, I paused to think for a moment. I'm no longer an intensely religious person. I used to be. I haven't gotten back to that point yet. Yes, I believe in God. I do pray. I shared with this lady that when my first child, Hunter, was born sleeping, I HATED God. I called God every name I could think of. I told Him that I'd never, as long as I live, forgive Him for taking my baby. By this lady's next comment, I could tell she was, in the most gentle way she knew how, trying to tell me to turn to God to help me through the grief and anger we all feel with the loss of a child. I replied to her comment and told her the following:
....... At first, when Hunter died, I absolutely hated God. I called Him every name I could think of, told Him how much I hated Him. I had to have someone to blame when I ran out of reasons for it to be my fault so God caught the heat. I have asked for forgiveness and I have to believe that God knows what this pain is like. While I don't think He 'approved' of my anger and hatred, I think He understood it. I'm sure I'm neither the first nor the last to blame God. :( It took a VERY long time to come out of that.
As I wrote it, I could feel that anger try to creep it's way back up. Now, after 13 years, we are dealing with the loss of our twins. I didn't feel the same hatred this time. I was hurt and angry but I didn't have a place to lay the blame. There are two things this wonderful lady shared with me. One of them was something she was told by a friend:
When you ask God for forgiveness he goes to his black board and erases that sin or bad thing... its gone. He completely moves on and it's over. He always gives us chances.
As I read it, I could actually envision the blackboard and my hateful words scribbled in chalk. I instantly fell in love with this idea and asked if I could share it. Over the years, I did have to deal with some guilt of the things I had said to God. Even though I asked for forgiveness, I still felt some of that guilt. When I read about the blackboard, I envisioned that God and I were now ok. I know that my relationship with God isn't perfect, nor am I but I didn't mean those things I said and I believe He has forgiven me.
Source for blackboard image:
The second thing this lady shared with me was a quote she opened right up to in a book she has. We were discussing that sometimes, I have nothing to say to God. Sometimes, I think certain things and I believe God can 'hear' me. She told me that in her book, it says that God can hear you during these times and if you need to, use them to communicate with Him. She said she wasn't sure why but that she felt she needed to share the following with me from her book:
"I am nearer than you think, richly present in all your moments. You are connected to me by love bonds that nothing can sever. However you may sometimes feel alone, because your union with me is invisible, ask me to open your eyes so that you can find me everywhere. The more aware you are of my presence the safer you feel. This is not some sort of escape from reality; it is turning in to ultimate reality. I am far more real than the world you can see, hear and touch. Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." ~Source of original quote is unknown~
When I read the quote and her comment about not knowing why she felt compelled to share it with me, I instantly knew why she was moved to share it. I can only think that God told her, in some way, that she needed to share it with me. I have felt abandoned by God more than once in my life. The losses of my children were the most devastating events in my entire life for me. I realize that I still feel, in a small way, that God has abandoned me. It feels sometimes that He's left me standing out here, in what can be a very cruel, painful world, all by myself. I honestly believe there was a plan for this post on the site to show up today and speaking with this mom was no accident. I can't help but to be thankful and thank God for this. I will truly try my best to seek God more often than I do, especially when I feel that He has just left me all alone. I hope this post has some meaning for each of you and that it may touch you the way my conversation reached me today. Thank you all for all of your love and support! With wishes of many blessings for each of you....Until next time. So long, Khrysti

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